Calm before the storm

We have done all we can do to prepare for the next impending storm. Fresh batteries for the flashlights and radio, logs for the fireplace, canned food that can be eaten without additional preparation, manual can opener, comfort food for when the canned food is not enough, bottled water, charged batteries, shovels and ice scrapers ready, laundry done etc.

It wasn't easy to prepare for storm number two, with no means of self transportation, (snowed in), but we were lucky enough to catch some rides to the stores in four wheel drives.

It is quiet tonight as the fresh snow continues to fall - over two inches already and the night has barely begun.

The weather people don't know what to tell us. Their accululation estimates are all over, with a low of four inches to a high of twenty. Judi laughingly said that if they say all the numbers then at least once on tape they will be recorded saying the right number. We don't laugh when we comment that there is no room left for more snow.

Before this time tomorrow we are supposed to be experiencing harsh winds. I can heard them already in my mind, even as the outside is blanketed in white silence.

The storm will come. We are quietly waiting.

For me only to decide

I was (rudely) confronted recently because I made a statement that we consciously sensor some of the images we are exposed to.

I am a firm believer that we are affected in ways we don't always realize by what we watch on TV, listen to on the radio etc. For many years now I have tried to limit my exposure to marketing as they are experts in altering how we think, manipulating our perception of what we need to be happy, telling us that the only way to happiness is spending our money in pursuit of the more more more.

We have no need to see realistic depictions of violence. I can tell you without ever seeing for myself that war is a horrible thing that must be engaged in only as an absolute last resort. I can tell you that Haiti has suffered severe devastation without having to view people with missing limbs. I do not need harsh exposure to have compassion and understanding. I do not regard the rest of the world as "out of sight, out of mind."

I don't listen to programs, disguised as "news" that are nothing more than political rants. They don't educate me. I don't want to listen to any rants at all. Nothing in that would feed my spirit. I subscribe to email alerts from the Humane Society of the United States even while knowing that some of their investigative videos will be too tough for me to watch and I skip watching them.

I take more of my news in text than I do on the TV in part because this allows me to pick and choose the stories I want to know more about. NPR is my source of choice for radio news, as I can count on NPR to not make trite quick sound clips, but instead challenge my thinking, taking the time to tell a story properly.

This does not mean I "don't live in the real world." Opportunities for educating one's self comes in many forms. I proactively choose my ways.

No one decides for me what I should be exposed to. Only a fool would turn over such important decisions to anyone else, turn over control of their life and their mind to someone else.

My mind is a sacred space and no one but me gets to decide what I am exposed to. I am solely responsible for the nurturing and care of my spirit. I take my responsibility seriously.

No balance between right and wrong

One of the hardest things to come to terms with in life is the understanding that, unlike what they show in the movies, in real life right doesn't always win, wrong many times is victorious, simply by its shear strength.

I am barely coming to terms with the events of this past weekend. Although I know deep in my core being I did nothing wrong, when I had someone, sleeved shoved up their arms, fists on their hips, leaning into my face and screaming at me, I had no choice but to walk away from this abusive and hostile situation. This meant walking away from something that has been a part of me most of my adult life.

Now, there was the choice to file an official complaint, but from my experience of life so far, I know that would only be an ugly process to participate in, and without any expectation of a reasonable outcome. There is no sunshine at the end of that tunnel.

It is hard to come to terms with the knowledge that the perpetrator will have no negative repercussions and I have a great loss. I know she is happy she has completely destroyed what I had. I wake in morning with a bad ache in my chest, after a lousy night's sleep.

Why is destruction so easily accomplished? I know that energy favors entropy. I am not sure if entropy is the same thing as deliberate destruction.

I have been thinking of buddhists teachings that remind us when we are in a particularly difficult place, to examine how we feel, and then remember all the other people of the world that have also felt the same way.

I guess one must be fearless to practice buddhism.

Endings

After 17 years of volunteering, today I walked out. The negative of the abusive treatment today outweighed the positive, and I was left with no choice but to cut ties, define appropriate boundaries of how I will allow anyone to treat me, and extricate myself from the situation.

I now officially have no hobbies. This is an interesting (and sad) place, not really a place I have been in my adult life. Even when in graduate school years (longer than 17 years ago!), with no money, I still found a way to contribute to the world around me with my time and effort. When I moved to the DC area, I gave myself two months to settle in and then started my search for a volunteer opportunity.

So here I sit, with a completely empty plate (and a bit of a hole in my chest).

I am not going to rush into anything. I am going to heal from this lousy experience first.

Last night during our fire ceremony, I recalled a journey I had many years ago. I was up in the canopy in a forest and there was a large nest with large brilliantly white egg that was glowing from the inside out. As I tried to get closer to see this glowing egg, a dark jaguar jumped in front of me and kept me back, saying "Let this birth happen!" I understood that the egg was me.

Last night I released into the fire any obstacle that was standing in the way of this birth. Today I am compelled to walk out of a 17 year position. I don't think today's event was a coincidence.

Time will tell.

Jarring

The best word I can find to describe my week:

Jarring: a harsh or disconcerting effect, to be out of harmony


It was a rough week with constant exposure to aggressive, hostile interactions - far more than I or any reasonable person seeking balance could really stomach. I was left reeling and stunned by it all. When there was almost light at the end of the tunnel (only in that the weekend was coming), I then had the pleasure at my workplace of having the hallway and offices next to me flooded with sewage. While my own office remained dry (nothing rained through the ceiling into my room as it did all around me) my work space is unusable. I removed all my personal belongings and brought home the tools I need to continue my work from home until a new office home is found for me.

As I was telling folks, this isn't the first time in my adult career that my workspace has been flooded by sewage. It was not even the second. This is the third time.

I must be doing something wrong.

The Watchers

The days are at their shortest now, and its hard to get done with the day's responsibilities in time to see the light before it fades from the sky. Each day I am eager to get outside to watch the crows coming home to their roost. Many times you can hear them talking to each other as they fly over head, by the tens, and at times, by the hundreds.

Wherever I am, I will stop and watch them, say hello, and admire the migration, as I honor their daily winter gathering. Everyday, its a constant to be counted on - the crows come home to roost.
I have asked them why they gather, and they answer that they come together, as a community, to share information. As they come from all over, from close and far away, they must see much and have many tales to tell.

It has been much colder lately, and I wonder how hard it must be to survive the winter chills without ever any shelter. Flying from far away must use a lot of their energy, and there isn't any food to be had to replenish their strength during these nightly gatherings. There could not be that much food in the same spot to feed tens of thousands of crows each night. As their effort to come together uses up energy, the need to gather must be a strong driving force. Even as the temperatures continue to drop, the crows come home to roost.

My days go by, one by one, working only to further other's goal, without any light for my own path, and I am anxious to get to my evenings spent at home where its possible to relax and recharge, and hope I can find a bit of myself again. However bad the days might be, however lost my path is from me, one constant I can always count on - the crows come home to roost.

The city has removed many of the original trees that supported their gathering. Their space has become smaller and smaller, and soon may be altogether gone. Their cousins in neighboring towns have sometimes been poisoned, their presence so detested. Even with their habitat destruction and the onslaught against them, the crows still come home to roost.

Introduced West Nile Virus has killed many crows in the East, the likely result of human activities spreading diseases. But they have proved, as long as there are survivors, the crows come home to roost.

They have been vilified in literature, spoken ill of for no reason, under appreciated, many times unnoticed, (I have yet to see another, besides Judi, admire their evening migration), killed for no purpose, however nothing stops them - the crows still come home to roost.

Even when I have lost my way, where few people can be counted on, where my path is unclear and uncertain, when fear may get the best of me, one constant in my life is that I will be able to stand in the fading light, look to the sky, smile, and greet my brothers and sisters as they participate in their daily migration to gather and to share their stories. The Watchers, as I know them to be, do not let anything stand in the way of them coming together as one community. Every night a greater force holds brings them together - every night the crows come home to roost.

Coexisting

Judi is the only person I know, besides myself, who will pause and look up and enjoy watching the crows coming home to their nightly Rockville roost. Crows have been vilified by so many people and for no good reason at all. I do not hold to the falsely held belief of the existence of "good" animals and "bad" animals. All animals just are - they exist in their own place in the natural world.

I have stood my ground on this and questioned more than one shaman when they say such and such an animal can be a spirit guide but you cannot have such and such an animals as a guide. This is full blown baloney - a construct of human biases and human misconceptions.

Crows come each evening to the same roosting spot in Rockville ever winter, at the corner of Montrose Avenue and route 355. They come by the tens of thousands, coming in from each direction like spokes on a wheel, coming, I have been told, from as far as 50 miles away. To watch them streaming in, with the back drop of a beautiful sunset is a sight to behold and can take your breath away.

Now the corner of Montrose Avenue and route 355 is a highly commercial area, highly populated. There is only one section of land left there with trees, and half of those trees have been cut down this last year to build more roads, because in Rockville there is an ever increasing onslaught against the tree people. (I think sometimes Rockville hates trees, as they seem to cut them down as quickly as they can while the city is quick to say they are tree friendly.) This, my friend, is how we measure progress in human urban culture.

Soon there will be no trees left at this crow roosting spot, even though the crows have been coming to the same location for as long as anyone can remember. It was their spot first, but I am quite sure Rockville will do everything possible to destroy this wondrous gathering of amazing animals, replacing living trees instead with parking lots and more strip malls.

I am tremendously sad when I think of this.

I do know that the crows will find a way to survive, as they always have, even with all the stresses to their population. Contrary to what some people believe about crows, they are highly intelligent and adaptable animals.

It is a shame though, that we teach our children that we can never make accommodations for the wild things around us if there is profit to be made, if those wild things somehow stand in the way of any immediate impulses that we have, if those wild things stand in the way of our consumption. I am sure that in planning the new road, no one considered they were destroying the ages old crow roost. A town across the river into Virginia tried a few years ago to poison the crows that came to their roost. What a horrible thing to do!

Wouldn't it have been a magical story for future generations, if instead, Rockville, this urban town, had decided to honor the crows and to protect a small piece of land for them and adopt them as honorary citizens of the city. Imagine the stories that would have been told about the small urban town that embraced and defended its wildlife. People would have come to see the "crow park" and would have paused and thought about this and also about what their own towns could do to somehow live in better balance with their own four-leggeds, many leggeds, swimmers, crawlers, runners and fliers, stone and plant people.

Just imagine.

As a species, if we don't learn to coexist with our non-human brothers and sisters better than we are doing today, we will eventually destroy them all. If we don't learn to value all life, we will destroy all life, and in doing so, will destroy ourselves.

A few of the things I miss . . .

heaping pile of instant mash potatoes made with more mike and less water and melting butter on top, orange juice, applesauce, lemonade, high quality chocolate (with no sugar substitute after taste), my own garlic herb bread just out of the oven with butter melting on it, pasta, brownies and fudge, soft serve ice-cream in a cone, french fries and ketchup, potato chips and french onion dip, jelly on toast (when I wasn't craving butter), tomato and basil soup, pancakes, and syrup . . . did I mention orange juice and fresh bread???

going into any restaurant assured that even as a vegetarian there would be something I could eat, eating until I feel full, being able to satisfy a craving

While family and some friends have been understanding, I have found myself in too many very disappointing and sometimes hostile situations with respect to my food challenges: aggressive carnivores that are in my face without cause, group eating activities with no accommodation for vegetarians (two different jobs have done this to me - once I was required to be at a company lunch where they were announcing their business arrangement with respect to the development of a treatment for diabetes, and yet were willing to tell me they could not accommodate a diabetic diet for the obligatory lunch.... and told me I could simply just sit and watch everyone else eat - yep, that was really said to me.)

I am worn out. I am crying uncle. Seems the easiest solution is to avoid all social and work food related activities, save with a few safe people. Already I have stashes of food at work to be prepared to take care of myself, (ex. being stuck in an all day meeting where lunch is ordered for all participants but me - yes, that's happened more than once). I am done trying trying to push for respect (or truly what would be considered just good manners and common courtesy based on what our mothers all taught us). Its easier to just expect nothing.

voices in the night

On a recent long drive back to the airport after a day of work in a midwest state I have never visited before and nor ever intend to visit again, I had a conservative religious talk show on the radio, after my reception for the NPR station fizzled out. I don't know why I listened to the rants on this station - I guess its like a car accident - hard to take your eyes away from the disaster.

After the hostess ranted on and on with complete arrogance on a number of topics that I totally disagreed with (again, thank the universe I no longer live in the midwest - my grad school days were enough to scar me for life), this person started in on people that thought animals had souls. She was rabid in her defense that humans were somehow different and special and of course only humans had spirit and soul. A (prescreened of course) caller voice a similar opinion that animals have nothing more than instinct and are not sentient. She said this and in the same breath said she is an animal lover. Huh.

Well.

I am so grateful that the universe opened my eyes to a greater and kinder and gentler and more respectful way of understanding than this. If that statment sounds arrogant, I apologize. I guess I am having a strong response to the toxicity that results from the belief that humanity belongs in a superior position to all other life. To think that humans are somehow different and more "blessed" that our animal brothers and sisters is the thought process that has given permission to abuse animals, to disregard their sacredness, for our comfort, our profit and our vanity and our convenience.

If humans have spirit, of course animals do too. We are, after all, animals ourselves - evolved from the same muddy patches, having far more in common than we have different. The main difference between humans and non-human animals are our capacity for destruction, to take more than we need, to not live in balance. None of these traits should be celebrated.

Animals have spirit, animals are sentient, animals have emotions. They are not driven solely by instinct. Any religion that says otherwise is a religion with a destructive mindset - a practice to be avoided.

No one can find balance in a place like this

That's what my spirit guide said to me, referring to the culture I have planted myself squarely in.

He is right, of course. Yet I stay, and I guess there must be a reason why even when the reason escapes me. Maybe I just hope there is a reason, because the alternative, that I am wasting my life, is unappealing.

I live one foot in the world of science and one is another place, a place not at all represented in this off-balance culture I find myself in.

I was driving home the other day, listening to an interesting story on NPR about the biology of how trees rid themselves of leaves in the fall. They detailed the process of how specific cells, abscission cells, grow with the purpose of disconnecting the stems of the leaves from the trees. It was an interesting story - right up to the end, where they made a joke about "if trees could talk" followed by an off-hand comment "then you've got a real problem."

Hearing that made me sink just a little. I know trees can talk, and I know that probably 98% of the people around me would laugh out loud at me for saying so. Its a lonely feeling. Its a reminder of the disconnect that surrounds me.

Judi and I have had not time in the past months to really get out into nature, away from the craziness and to a place that heals and feeds. The environment of my job has grown to toxic levels and I know its is corroding me, bit by bit, day by day. I am not sure what to do. In the end, as always, I am responsible for taking care of myself and to not let toxicity around me creep into my being and I am responsible for who I am.

The elders are right. It sure is hard to find balance in a place like this.

Farwell

I woke up this morning to the news that Ted Andrews had passed away.

Sad news.

My copies of Animal-Speak and Animal-Wise are the most used and most worn books on my bookshelf.

He was a person who truly saw and understood the natural world. He helped bridge the gap between our world and theirs.

When a particular animal showes up on our lives in an unexpected way, or the same animal over and over, we reach for Ted's books to learn more about the animal and what their appearance may mean for us.

Good-bye Ted. You will be missed.

Your legacy lives on.

Just Hold on a Minute Here

I was running an errand over lunch and had my favorite NPR show playing on the radio. As one who passionately hates commercials, NPR talk radio can be soothing to the ears.

The show hosted a famous author talking about her new book "Animal Magnetism" . . . This should be a topic I could relate to - one would think.

It wasn't too long into the interview where I was suddenly looking for a place to pull the car over and started fumbling with my blackberry to get a message, any message out to this station, sending to every email address I could guess would be appropriate for the show.

This "animal lover" is a fox hunter. If that's not enough, she went on to reply to a listener who got to the show faster than I could to question this atrocity, that (paraphrase) this is was poor (my word) misunderstood fox hunters have to put up with (these opposing points of view).

I have hear this time and time again, from the fox hunting people, all their twisted, illogical-logic as to why what they are doing is fine and good and wholesome.

Excuse: One person one time told me that fox hunting clubs were good for the environment as they preserved the land they used to hunt fox (really that was her justification, as simply preserving environment on its own had no merit).

Excuse: Fox hunting in this country is just fox chasing as they don't kill the fox (unless of course the dogs get there too much ahead of them but they don't want to bring that up).

I am going to stand firm here and say the emperor has no fu#%&*ing clothes: If you are a fox hunter, you are not in balance. There is something wrong with you.

My question to all you fox hunters: what is broken inside of you that you need to derive your entertainment from harassing animals? What kind of human being has this kind of need?

We know that people that abuse animals are far more likely to abuse people as well. How different are fox hunters from this group, with their need to harass animals and derive enjoyment from it?

I think of the fox family we have seen for several years now during our Delaware trips, to whom we always send a greeting and a blessing. It would make me sick to think of people harassing them, and for no other reason than their own personal emotional sickness.

Do they think that chasing an animal away from its territory, making it use up energy resources it needs for hunting to keep itself alive doesn't harm the animal?

There are days that I just can't understand humanity at all. Maybe I don't want to.

This famous author lives not to far from where a dear friend of mine used to live - a woman who was truly connected to "all that is" and practiced a life of balance and respect for all. While visiting her one time, I saw her gently remove a tick from her dog. She did not kill it. Instead she placed it in the palm of her hand, knelt before her young daughter so her daughter could clearly see the insect, and proceeded to tell her stories of how amazing these insects are, how they could live for very long periods of time without any food at all.

When she was done teaching some awe and respect for the tick to her child (and me) she took it outside and released it to the wild.

What a perfect expression of respect for all that is and what a wonderful place of balance.

Anyone that can learn to love and respect all life, anyone who TRULY loves animals, would never be a fox hunter.

I will not be reading the book.

I'm a two spacer

I admit it - I am old fashion. I learned to type before computers were accessible to the common person. I at least had the luxury of learning to type on an electric type writer. My mother still has her old black steep keyboard manual type writer which makes the most wonderful noises but requires more strength than my fingers have - an endurance test for your hands.

As a student of the "old school" I was well trained to put two spaces after the period at the end of a sentence.

I am forever annoyed that this blogging forum, as well as most web based technologies, only accommodate one space after the period no matter how many times I tap away at the space bar. In word processing documents I put the two spaces in and appreciate how my paragraphs don't appear then as one terribly long run-on sentence. My younger coworkers remove my spaces. I gladly take the time to put them all back.

I am quite sure they think I am daft.

There is plenty of arguments against me, how with the electronic ability to space the fonts appropriately, there is no need for the extra space that the manual type face required.

Their arguments don't pursued me. I like to see each sentence stand on its own. I believe in the value of the extra space. It provides us time to give pause and consider a well constructed sentence and a meaningful thought before we move onto the next. In our fast paced lives, we already move too quickly, react too quickly, have an insatiable need for more, more, more. We should learn to savor the space, the pause, and appreciate the time to reflect before the next bit of information comes at us. Listen to the messages that come in the silences between, read between the lines if you will.

Nope. I haven't been convinced the extra space should go. I will keep typing it in each post, even as blogger takes it away from me.

That's where I stand. Period (space)(space)

Biocentric view

As we sat in Judi's studio today the rain started. I already know that Judi delights in the sound of the rain on the metal outside her window, and without missing a beat she happily proclaimed, "the music has started."

Judi is the only person I know, besides myself, that doesn't complain about the rain.

The culture we live in here is so fake and shallow and so many other unflattering descriptions I could add here that we have people that would complain about rain if it came in the middle of drought - completely disconnected from the natural world around them.

Today I wandered around the DNR web pages for our state to read about the Bear Hunt, something I have continually opposed. Seems to me that DNR-like organizations exist mostly to manage lands and resources to have enough animals and fish so that those that want to will have the opportunity to kill them for fun and entertainment.

Under the page on "responsible hunting" they say that responsible hunters "cover their game during transport. Transporting game in an acceptable manner is one way to maintain public support for hunting." I can only guess that's so the rest of us don't have to look death in the face. This would be the same reason our governments prevent images of war from coming on to our tv screens, so that we won't have to look directly at death and destruction, and by keeping it in the abstract, are less likely to have an emotional reaction that would lead to intellectual engagement and then proactive activity opposing it.

It is good to know at least that others also believe some of what I believe. The following text resonated well with me:

"The view of bears as "a valuable natural resource" resonates throughout the draft report. The HSUS regards this viewpoint as anthropocentric and advocates and endorses the opposing viewpoint encompassed by the approach often termed "biocentric." To us, bears are more than a resource to be utilized or a nuisance to be controlled. They have dignity and status as members of a biotic community, are associated with desirable environmental and ecosystem values, and should be recognized as such. "

From the Black Bear Task Force Report and Recommendations To The Maryland Department of Natural Resources March 28, 2003, Appendix J: Statement Of The Humane Society Of The United States BBTF Member.

State of Denial

Its still officially summer (in my book) as the cicadas are still singing.

(Well a few of them are anyway . . . .)


I'm just saying . . .

Political misadventures

I'll get a black eye for this post, but what the heck.

While for the most part I have little hope in finding sanity or morality in politics (both from the politicians themselves or from the masses that fervently identify with one camp or another), I found myself watching with particular interest the inexplicably stupid controversy surrounding the president's address to school children last week. I was both astonished and also not surprised at all that republican masses decided to make this non-issue an issue and that some schools decided not to air his talk to the students.

Although the press mentioned it casually, I think they did not make a bit enough point that other presidents, including republican presidents in the past did the very same thing - and I don't recall any controversy when they spoke to the schools.

What's different now?

The temperament of people have changed, for one thing. Expression of republican sentiment has been reduced to simply opposing anything democrats are trying to do. The opposition to health care reform has really showed how low republican expression can go. Any person with an ounce of compassion would acknowledge that health care needs to be accessible for all people, not just the rich and comfortable and powerful. But compassion and decency and morality have nothing to do with politics. Any person with an ounce (or even half an ounce) of common sense knows our current health care insurance system is simply driven for profit, not for the well-being of the people that need its benefits.

I think it has become simply the goal of republican expression to crush anyone with a different opinion than theirs. I see in this action their accepted position that people are disposable if they are different.

Why are they afraid to let their children listen to the president of the united states tell them to work hard in school? Probably for no other reason than their children may actually respect the president for saying that to them, and the republican hysteria acts as though opposition is never to be respected, but simply crushed.

I find a parallel to this behavior in what happened in my college days when fundamental religious students would refuse to listen to the campus chaplain speak ON ANY TOPIC simply because the man supported ordination of gay and lesbian christians. Because they disagreed with him on this one topic, he then became their opposition on everything.

Stupid simple shallow-minded people without any ability for critical thinking or compassion.

Yep, I'm annoyed today.

But in reality I have to be grateful to these extremist folks, because they have helped make it clear to me what their positions are and then make it clear to me why I do not stand with them. For the fundy christians, they helped me take a very critical look at christianity, and in doing so I came to realize that I had no use for christianity at all, freeing me up to discover my own truths of my life and of my world and of myself, truths I would not have easily found if I had stayed within the norms of my culture.

My spirit guide said I have chosen a difficult path, but I have done this to make sure that the path that I did choose, I did so actively and consciously instead of just going with the flow of those around me. There are some days I feel like I have bit off more than I can chew this time around, so those word have been a comfort.

As as for the fundy republicans that are afraid that school children might LISTEN to the president's advice and instruction to them to work hard in school - you all define who you are and what you really stand for by what you oppose. Thanks for making that abundantly clear to the rest of us.

Disconnected

I have a very small green spider who has been living in my car for the past week. A girl I think, she feels like a girl. I had wiped a few apparent abandoned strands of web from my windshield a few days before I realized she had not yet left.

We keep seeing her from time to time crawling quickly across the windshield laying silk, but never at a convenient time to pull over and gently release her to in a safe place. Thus she continues residence on the edges of my windshield and I am starting to look forward to her appearances althought I am concerned that she won't get enough to eat while still living in the car.

We discovered a newly hatched blue tailed skink at the Renaissance Festival yesterday, less than two inches long. He was scooting around the gravel, right under people's feet. Afraid he would get stepped on, I quickly worked to chase him over to a less populated area. I had to ask one person to step aside while clearing a path. The guy would barely move and seemed mildly annoyed at the request. Later we saw a few larger ones, several inches long. The discovery of one caused two adult men nearby to back away from it a bit.

Really, how much threat did this small skink pose to the two adult men? I knew someone once that was terrified of all insects and small creatures. She described almost being in an accident when she discovered an ant crawling across her car dashboard. Our cicada celebration in five years ago left many people I knew stranded in doors, terrified by these insects who are as threatening as a butterfly.

Judi commented to me yesterday, "People are afraid of nature."

She is absolutely right. In this bizarre culture where we have found ourselves, strange and unwarranted customs prevail. Fear of small harmless creatures is common whereas aggressive entitlement driving habits, dangerous habits that could easily kill a car full of innocent people, are acceptable as the normal behavior of the privileged and the foolish and the powerful.

How and why is our culture so completely disconnected?

Invisible Responsibility

I stopped in a convenience store for a few items and once found strolled over to the two cashier stations. There was no cashier at either station as the lady was out on the floor working hard to keep the store clean. I politely and patiently waited while she made her way back behind the counter to ring up my purchase. Unsure which of the two cashier machines she was running, I stayed back from the counter a few feet until she could settle in at one station to take my order.

That small bit of space I allowed between myself and the counter was sufficient space for another customer to walk right up to the counter in front of me. She had every intention of being taken care of first. I watched her intently as she maneuvered and it was clear she had mastered the art of not making eye contact with anyone to whom she was committing an offense against. Even after she paid for her purchase and had to walk AROUND me to get to the door, she managed to act as if I didn't exist in any space at all.

Now, after watching this maneuver carefully, do I think she simply didn't know what she had done, a simple honest mistake? No, not at all. Her body language, her frozen face, and her ability to look everywhere except in the space where I was standing was a clear sign that her actions were deliberate.... and also successful in meeting her goals.

Too many times, that is how it is here in the burbs of DC. The way people interact in public, the way people drive on the road..... if you don't acknowledge other people then you have freed yourself up from any responsibility to them or any responsibility for your actions that may effect them. With the crush of people comes anonymity, and with anonymity comes lack of social or personal responsibility.

I looked at the cashier, who had witnessed this event and commented, "well, I guess as long as she doesn't make eye contact with me, then it's ok to pretend I am not here." The young lady at the register looked in the direction of the exiting customer, rolled her eyes and sighed in resignation. "You must see a lot of rude people each day," I replied, sympathizing with her.

Am I damaged that I had to wait to purchase my items? No. On a greater level, am I tired of a society where misbehavior is becoming more and more the norm? Yes, absolutely.

Vegetarian discrimination

Ironic experience to follow on the last post. I was just in a position where a small group of us were to work continuously through the day, and unknown to me, lunch was ordered for the group. Although it is well known I am a vegetarian, there was no consideration of that in the food offered to us. Furthermore, even when it was clear that there was nothing I could eat, no one really cared as they dove into their complimentary lunch.

What does one say when put in a situation such as this, being blatantly disregarded? How does one continue to work with people that are willing to treat me this way?

What I do know is that this wasn't the first time, nor will it be the last. What I have learned is to always be self-contained, to not expect equal consideration.

That's a lousy way to live. I went home that day in a foul mood.

Vegetarianism revisited

When a jellyfish has eaten "lunch" you can see all the food it has consumed in its digestive tract, as the entire animal, as you know, is transparent.

I have laughed at this and commented how different our social rituals around food would be if we could see into everyone stomachs and know immediately everything they have just consumed. Imagine how different our lives would be... no more socializing around food. We would eat in privacy, only when we know we wouldn't see anyone for a good while, and stay there until all our digestive juices have erased most of the evidence of our consumption. Eating at the refrigerator in the middle of the night would be standard practice.

Alas, I almost wish I lived in this world because all the social activities and social expectations around food pose cultural challenges and situations that I am growing tired of navigating.

I need to have a smart and stinging comeback for all the people that feel it necessary to say something snide or derogatory or aggressive to me because I choose to be a vegetarian. Although I have never pushed being a vegetarian on anyone and only own it as a choice for me, far too many meat eaters feel it necessary to in some way put me down and ridicule me for my personal choice.

Judi and I have talked extensively about this, trying to find some explanation for this obviously aggressive behavior but I still don't fully understand why so many are moved to be in my face on this topic. Vegetarianism obviously strikes a nerve with them, but what one and why?

I am not interested in hearing how good meat tastes, I am not interested in hearing a list of animals one has eaten, I am not interested in hearing someone beating their chest as they pontificate about their "right" to eat whatever living being they want, and how well they manage to take pride in the death and consumption of that animal (yes all these things have been said, unsolicited, to me).

My problems with navigating our culture extend beyond issues around not eating meat. I also now manage diabetes without medication, which means being always aware of that I am eating, what combination of foods that will be appropriate, what volume of food allowed and the timing between meals. Add to this list that I don't drink alcohol and there are many social obstacles to manage. (No, do not tell me what I can and can't eat as a diabetic. Unless you are managing diabetes too, you are probably wrong.)

I am less willing that I used to be to accommodate other's issues around my food challenges and am more ready to simply say what's socially and emotionally best for me (I don't ever eat anything simply to make someone else comfortable... that's not even on the table for discussion). In the past I have been (in a required attendance work event) told that I could simply sit and watch everyone else eat because they could not accommodate my dietary restrictions, which are a combination of religious (spiritual) and medical parameters. I am proud of myself that I didn't let that stand. Reasonable accommodation in the workplace for diabetes (American With Disabilities Act) is required and reasonable accommodation for religious parameters is just good manners.

I will no longer tolerate any social or work related activity where the main point is food centric when I am simply invited to watch everyone else eat and no special accommodation is set for me. If I am wanted there, it has to be as an equal participant.

Many years ago I had a group of friends that would regularly get together for dinner. There were a number of folks that had restrictions of one kind or another, personal preferences or religious parameters. One of the beautiful aspects of those evenings is that no one complained working to accommodate everyone in the group, because including everyone in a manner that respected them allowed for all of us to truly enjoy each other's company for the evening.

Questions for a higher self

I have been thinking a lot about the recent revelation that I am more closely related to my spirit guide than I had ever imagined, that in fact this shaman from another time is simply different chapter of this same story I am living now. I am in the middle of experiencing a paradigm shift in the very fundamental understanding of who I actually am.

Interesting, to say the least. Too large an idea to wrap myself around most days, yes.

As with each scientific discovery, where learning something new answers one question and generates many many more, I now have many many open questions. My desire now is to take a long walk with this person, filled with deep discussions on my many questions.

If you could sit with your "higher self" and pose any question that you want, what would your questions be? Here are some of mine, in no particular order:

• If I was at one time skilled enough and wise enough to be a shaman, why have I chosen this life this time, where I feel all but deaf and mute and without connection and without wisdom?

• Do we choose each life before we live it?

• Was there a specific path for this life that I was supposed to follow, and if so, have I missed my path?

• What can I do to overcome the feeling I have failed to live up to my potential this time around?

• What can I do to improve my ability to "hear" all that is?

• I feel so lost in this society: the activities that keep me going, keep me alive with food on the table and a roof over my head, are also what feels to me to be what kills my spirit, in a slow mind numbing decay. Where do I find the right balance? Is this because I am on the wrong path?

• Can you teach me more of shapeshifing (one of my spirit guide's skills)?

• Will I find my place, find what I am good at, what feeds me, in this lifetime?

What questions would you ask your spirit guide?

A hot night in Texas

Its been a rough summer for me, many of my hopes and dreams have shriveled and left me, as though abandoned to the baking sun. I have been angry at the universe lately, or maybe just angry at me, for being unable to effect any meaningful positive changes in my life. Its been hard to hold to the belief that as an individual, I have it within me to bring into my life meaningful change and make my life as I want it to be. Instead I have felt nothing but being bounced around by bad luck and circumstance. It has been emotionally devastating to feel that regardless of how hard and how sincerely I try to put out my best to bring positive changes, no changes are made. My best has not been good enough.

I have felt the universe had all but abandoned me.

This week I was off to Texas for three days of work. Texas in August is about as appealing as putting your hand on a hot stove while having the air sucked out of your lungs. The heat was too much for me.

I was vaguely aware that Thursday evening was the night that Drum Corps broadcasted a live performance (the quarter finals) at selected movie theaters across the country. This had sounded like a wonderful idea but in past years no theaters any where near us in Maryland participated, those that did were far too far to travel to on a work night. Early in the week I checked into any options in San Antonio as that is where I would be this week, and found that two theaters were showing the live performance. I emailed myself the names of the theaters and then forgot all about it, as it didn't seem practical or possible to find them during my business trip. As it turned out, I would have no access to a car that night anyway, so any thought of finding the locations of these theaters was quickly forgotten.

My work on Thursday went smoothly and I was back into my hotel at a reasonable time, tired and hungry. Looking at the lousy choice of restaurant delivery menus, I casually wandered over to the window in my room to see what was in walking distance. Two restaurants were in view, neither appearing to be a good choice for a vegetarian. Business travel is not nearly as glamorous as many people believe. I was facing a long and boring evening.

Behind the restaurants was a movie theater and I wondered for a moment if I could lose myself in a movie for the evening to pass the time.

Then it hit me. I pulled out my blackberry to retrieve the email about the theaters in San Antonio that were participating in the DCI event. Even as I was scrolling through the messages to find the theaters' names, I knew that the odds were very small that this one outside my window would be one of these two theaters.

I looked at my blackberry: "Regal 18"
I looked out my window again: "Regal 18"

Still doubting, I mused that perhaps there were many "Regal 18" theaters in San Antonio (an area of over 400 square miles). However, what did I have to loose but time that was already empty time? So I quickly changed out of work clothes into comfortable clothing and out the door I went for quick walk in the blistering heat.

I was disappointed as I neared the entrance and read the list of current movies on the outside of the building. Nothing at all about DCI was listed. I was disappointed but not surprised. After all, what would be the odds of picking a hotel right next to one of the two theaters in the entire city hosting the once yearly DCI broadcast, being there on the one night it was playing, and have the free time to attend? I mean, really?

I stepped inside the building to escape the 105 degree heat, quickly scanned the electronic display of the movie list and saw nothing about DCI. Disappointed but again, not surprised. I stood for a moment and wondered what to do next. Then the screen refreshed.

There it was: DCI 5:30 pm.

I looked at my blackberry for the time: 5:10 pm.

Only a fool could miss the message of how all things purposely fell into place for me. After getting over my initial shock, laying out the $18 for the ticket, and shooting off a quick message to Judi that I would be out of contact for the evening, I entered the theater, grabbed a wonderful seat front and center, and let the sweet sounds and beautiful images of Drum Corp melt away much of my anger at the universe.

I stayed as long as I could considering I had to arise at 3:15 am to catch my flight home the next morning. Although I missed a few excellent performances, I ended my evening with Santa Clara Vanguard's most beautiful performance of Appalachian Spring.

Its nice to know that magical moments can still happen and that the universe is still listening to me.

Long holiday weekend

(Wyalusing Rocks - storm in the distance)

A photo from the trip to the old "hometown" for the holiday weekend. As always, going to the childhood home stirs up lots of emotions and things to ponder. Judi and I talked a lot about how we were raised. I kept thinking about how much of what I was taught as a child was so very wrong. I have no use for the religion in which I was raised. Much of what I was taught that was supposed to be important in life doesn't reflect at all my values today.

I watched some kids fishing, catching small fish just because they could and then throwing them back in the water. I did this as a child myself. I was told the hook "didn't hurt the fish at all".... as an adult I now know that is a flat out lie. I am opposed to injuring or killing living things unless it is necessary, and harming animals for entertainment isn't necessary.

I am still sitting with the revelation as to who my spirit guide is. I can only say that I wish I had today the skills and knowledge that I apparently had at one time, and can't help but wonder why I came into this particular existence lacking and forgetting so much.

Tomorrow is full moon, time for quieting down and sitting with our fire ceremony - a good and needed thing.

Finding your Spirit Guide

There are marked moments in my life, moments which have usually caught me completely by surprise, that were able to, in a short instant, change forever my perception and understanding of what IS. The moment I "heard" the emotion of a dying animal in my head, the time I experienced a gentle touch which immediately removed severe pain, the evening when a dear friend who had passed several months before came to visit, the day I heard trees speak, and had Judi there to hear and confirm their message, the day a butterfly disappeared right in front of an entire group of friends, the day a light as brilliant as the sun appeared above our heads, casting an additional set of shadows on our path and freezing us in our steps. These are some of the experiences that have redefined my beliefs and open me to worlds that I couldn't have dreamed of even in the moments before each of these magical events arrived.

Another one of these moments jumped into my life this week and the ramifications of it are so large it will probably take me years to fully come to terms with it, if I ever do. It has redefined for me the basic concept of who I thought I was by in essence telling I am more than I ever knew I was.

I can only describe this event by allegory: Imagine calling into your life a wise elder to help you navigate through the challenges and questions of your life. You establish a long distance relationship with this elder who has answered your call. You know him only through letter writing as he answers your questions (sometimes), gives you ideas to consider, and gently guides you down new paths of growth using wisdom gained from a life lived long ago. Years into this long distance relationships you have come to know this elder to be a wise guide who has carefully considered your fate and your path in his masterfully crafted teachings.

One day there is a knock on the door, you ask who is there, and to your surprise your elder guide announces his presence from the other side of the door.

Then imagine opening the door and finding that you are looking directly at yourself across the threshold.

Fly

Obama can swat a fly.

Big deal.

Bigger deal I guess would have been not to.

Not that anyone cares about flies, I guess, or a myriad of other living beings.

I recall one early morning in college, finding a fly in the bathroom of the dorm and gently taking it outside where it belonged, only to realize I was then locked out of the building and everyone else was still asleep and finding the whole situation amusing.

Gentle acts don't get recognized.

Lest you think flies have no merit, go read the chapter on Freddie the Fly in "Kinship with All Life" by J. Allen Boone.

I doubt Obama has read it.

Follow up note: a friend asked me today my opinion of the Obama fly killing video - a winding answer I gave could be summarized to: my life philosophy is to avoid unnecessary killing, and although I have had to extinguish some insects to protect my family (when capture and release will not work out), I do not gloat or cheer, but rather feel bad and apologize to the Being.

I guess it was his gloating . . . . "got the sucker" . . . that turned me off.