I had a dream the night before last that the friend I lost called me on the phone. As soon as I heard her voice I just started sobbing. I woke that morning with a terrible headache.

In my dreams I can cry, but in my waking hours deep emotions (other than anger and frustration) just aren’t in me. I listen to music that used to move me and I sit now feeling almost nothing at all, sensing maybe only a echo of a feeling.

I think of all I lost. I think of she-who-was-me who is here no more. Thinking on that should be enough to bring out an emotional response. Instead I feel like I am just looking into a void. The only feeling in my chest is that of each breath I take.

I can’t justify bringing her back. If it was too much for her to bear that she had leave, and nothing has changed in circumstances here, isn’t it the most decent thing to do to simply let her be in peace where she is?