my new reality

Last Saturday was full moon, and as we do with every full moon, we found time to sit in front of the fireplace (candles in the summer months) and have our quiet fire ceremony.  Part of the time we spend drumming and journeying, sometimes purposefully with questions, and sometimes just being open to see what comes.

Last month my journey clearly laid out for me the explanation of why I feel so empty, of why my heart chakra is dead.  I saw the place where she-who-was-me has gone to - leaving here after one too many heart pains.

Everyone reacts to pain differently.  What is the threshold of too much for one could be easily overcome by another person.  I don't know where I fit on that scale.  All I know with any certainty is that the best of what was me has left.

I have considered that I could find a skilled individual to go to that place and find her and bring her back (soul retrieval).  I suppose that not too many people around me who have lost bits (or major chunks) of soul even understand what has happened to them, let alone be able to journey themselves to find their soul fragments.  That I know exactly where she-who-was-me is, and know what she is doing, even if I do not have access to what she is learning, is an odd thing.

I knew that with this fire ceremony I would have to go visit there.  I cannot remember too many fire ceremonies that I wasn't looking forward to, but this was one.

I didn't go with the expectation of bringing her back.  At this point in time my feeling is, if she doesn't want to come, who am I to say she has to? However I didn't expect the reception I received in my journey to her place.

She not only would not talk to me, but she would not even look at me, and turned her back to me every time I approached her.

Um... ok. 

Nothing to do but leave her there and come back here.