I am extremely sad.  That's just the way it is.

Its not the same as this past summer, with much of my soul gone.  That vacancy resulted is this massive hole in my chest, a completely "empty tin-can" existence from which I could barely function, barely breath, barely hold a thought.

I am not in that place anymore.  The can has been refilled, the soul has come home.

However the hurts that sent it away still remain.  Nothing on the ground has changed.

I am not bowled over by the pain.  I can get up, move, function, even laugh.

But, I am still extremely sad.

The destruction of that friendship really did me in.  Understanding I was less important than a lust for material things, that I was so easily disposable in the want for "more more more" ..... understanding that I didn't make enough money to be considered a friend.... this was a devastating blow, devastating, as I had invested so much of myself in that relationship.  A large part of me still cannot believe what happened or that I had believed in someone so shallow.  I guess the pull in wanting to believe I was valued was too much for me to pass up, and I overlooked to obvious warning signes.   There is no way to work toward resolution now except within myself.

I had always tried to explain to Judi, but could not find the right words to express, how very trapped I feel in my life.  I used to say "there is just no room in the world for me, or "someone like me"."  I came to a better explanation of that feeling recently - taking the high level view.  Each time I have really tried to stand up for myself, move toward something that I want for me, to have hope and hold to that hope, etc, life comes and hits me hard, a sledgehammer assault.

When I was a kid, a young self aware lesbian in a small conservative town, the way I survived was to stay off everyone's radar, become invisible, the person no one remembered to think about.  It did help me avoid trouble (for example I managed to never get beaten up).  But as an adult, my life experiences have only reinforced that way of living.  Whenever I have tried to step outside of living in a small place, tried to improve my life, tried to believe or hope or do - these are the times I have been hit hardest by life - struck to the ground hard.  If I stand up, I am on the radar of the universe and I get knocked back down.

Why don't I dream of anything for myself anymore?  When I step back and see it in this context, it is really no surprise at all.  To dream and hope is to raise myself onto the radar of whatever this negative force is that keeps hunting me.

In a way, I have been right all along.  There is no place in this (human) world for me.

Its no wonder I prefer time in nature.