in the night

There was a time not so very long ago where climbing into bed at night was my very favorite time of the day. I felt blanketed by more than just the bed covers. I felt I was covered by the comforts of all that was good in my life - a safe gentle place to be.

Now, having passed through great loss and working on coming out the other side, night time has become the most difficult time for me, and I dread each night those long hours when sleep escapes me and the losses and failures are what keeps me company. The hurts and pains that I have come to manage through in the day still visit me at night. Certainly it all is not as bad as it once was - that's what healing does. But I cannot say I am "healed," I can only say I am better than before.

I wonder, through the long hours of the night, if I will even find again the peace in my heart that for a time I thought I had. I suspect that instead the hole will always remain, that it is a permanent part of me, and that healing really means to just move forward anyway.

Still, I miss the times I felt more whole and more at peace.