More on Reintegration

Its been more than three weeks since a voice woke me up in the night, calling my name - a voice I have come to understand was myself, announcing my return.  It is too soon to tell the whole story of what it has meant to have my soul split and leave for four months, sit with the elders, and then return.  The full measure of that story and its consequences may take years or a life time to understand.

I have only initial impressions at this point.

While I have read a good amount about soul retrieval, both from the shaman's perspective and from the people who gained back the parts of themselves that went hidden away, I have never read a story of someone who had their spirit walk out, and be fully aware through the whole process that their soul was missing, fully aware of where he/she had gone, been able to travel to this place (in an attempt) to engage them (and to come back empty handed).

Just as I have never heard, before my own experience, anyone telling about the knowing that their spirit guide is actually themselves, just another chapter of themselves.

It took a day or two after my initial announcement before I began to suspect who it was that spoke to me in the night and what she was announcing. I did not begin to feel differently immediately.  The change grew gradually, like a sun rise before the sun comes over the horizon.  The change is subtle but persistent and undeniable.

Then the full measure of her return was realized - the sun came over that horizon and it was almost too much to bear.  I described it as having had all the "lights out" for my heart for many months (my heart chakra has been long dead) and suddenly having "full power."  I was whirling through a whole collection of emotions, each seeming more intense than the last.  I was feeling everything.  It was almost too much to bear.  At times I was literally grabbing at my chest because the intensity was just too much.

Luckily that intensity has subsided some now.  It had too.

Now I feel . . . . full.  Hard to describe.  I had tried to explain before, before she-who-is-me returned that I was nothing more than an empty container.  The hollowness inside was vast.  The space inside was dark and empty.  Although I tried hard to explain to some close to me that most of what was "me" no longer resided inside me, I truly don't think anyone actually understood in a literal way, what I meant.  I truly was not here, except enough to keep the body and the responsibilities running on auto pilot.

Now, she-who-is-me has returned.  I wish I could say that four months with the elders resulted in four months of knowledge that I brought back and have instant access too.  I believe pieces of that will come in time and that all at once would be too much to take in without causing shock to the whole system.  I would like to believe anyway, that more wisdom and knowledge will come in time.

There are some small nuggets that are just "there" in my mind now that were not before, some pieces of wisdom or knowledge that weren't with me before the break.  That encourages me.

Now the harder part:  living here for four months with the best of what was me gone means I now have four months of damage I have done to those around me that I need to own responsibility for and make right.  This is not a small hole to climb out of.  This is the biggest "threat" to what still feels like a delicate healing process, this large task.  Nothing to do but face what has to be done and face those who I have wounded while being a wounded empty being and own my responsibilities.

I can still feel the pull of negative thought patterns that had pulled me down a road my soul found unbearable and ultimately left to avoid.  It scares me when I recognize them.  I also hear a voice inside me telling me to recognize them and to do things differently this time.  Stand up straighter, stronger, face my own demons and tell them to "be gone."  Easier said than done some days but so far, in these few delicate weeks, I am winning most battles. 

Another (more hopeful) indication that a new chapter has opened:  a few nights ago I laid in bed pondering on the meaning of the encounter I had with some visitors who showed up in a recent journey.  I had decided to try a "spirit activity" (too much to explain here).  I concentrated on the visualization and suddenly I had an extraordinary (for me) physical response.  As I lay there, my muscles began to gently twitch... not just one or two muscles that may have been too tired from the day, but it was happening randomly all over my body.   My initial reaction was that I needed to stop what I was doing, but a calmer voice took over and assured me all was well and convinced me not to flee but to just stay with the moment.  It felt magical.  When it felt right to be done, I ended my visualization and all my muscles stopped their dance.  I had never experienced anything like that.  I was delighted and hopeful a new chapter has indeed started.