Holes
I am sitting next to the fireplace watching the the tea candles, one by one go out, and can't help but think that this is how my life had been these past few years. One by one, the parts of me that fed my flame have disappeared from my life.
There was the zoo (National Zoo - Washington DC), where I had volunteered for 17 years, (moving to this area in part to become a zoo volunteer). My connection to that taken from me by an uncontrollably angry keeper and an institution that turned its back instead of doing the right thing (seems this is what institutions do). Seventeen years of commitment and support, seventeen years of my life's work, suddenly meant nothing at all.
There was the storm that took my new car from me.... not completely because it was rebuilt, but it will never be the new car I once had, the first and only new car I had ever purchased for myself. No amount of care I took for the car could protect it from others negligence.
There was the friend that turned ex-friend, not at all the person she advertised herself to be..... who took with her perhaps my last chance at being willing to trust other people as much as I wish I could. Her betrayal was so brutal to my spirit that it left me for four long months - an experience I never want to know again, an experience that has left me beaten and quiet.
In the aftermath of dealing with a lost soul part and its return, my ex-friend's guide appeared and stayed constantly with me for a number of weeks. While I tried to be open to what that experience was suppose to teach, it was finally too much for me and I sternly sent her guide away.
To my astonishment, and grief, my own guide left when I sent the other away. I have not felt him since that day. As I was just learning to feel him and know he was with me, the loss left yet another hole in me. I am stunned he abandoned me.
I think I am nothing left but holes. Even if they are silent and far less painful than the lost of a soul, holes are holes. Too many holes and there is nothing left but quiet emptiness.
posted by Virginia @ 10:43 PM
2 comments
links to this post
2 Comments:
I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but I know better days are just around the corner.
Please don't allow these negative people to take your happiness and confidence from you.
There's a saying I keep close, "don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you."
If someone isn't willing to give you the same love and/or respect, they weren't worth yours and you are a lot better without them. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but in the end you will be better off without them. They will only bring you down.
It's also important to let go of these negative people so you can allow the good to come in. If you keep them bottled up inside, there will be no room for the good.
My hope is that you will allow yourself to leave the sadness behind and let the sun shine on you again by focusing on the good things and people you do have around you. Even if some days it feels as if the only thing that's there is a good cup of coffee. It's still something to be happy and thankful for. And there are days we all feel this way, even if it may not seem it, you aren't alone.
Believe in yourself. You are worth being loved and to be treated like you are special...because you are.
It is my hope that the new year will bring you to a better place. You are a special person with gifts to share with others. The zoo were so foolish to lose you.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home